I bounce back?

Got MSU-Iowa WAY wrong, as the Hawkeyes crushed us, 37-6. On the other hand, Teddy Covers took Michigan(-3) at Penn State. Were both homer picks? Maybe, but he's supposed to be a pro, though a Michigan man.

Today I have pittsburgh(+1)over NEW ORLEANS. If the Browns defense gave the Saints fits, what will the Steelers do to them? On the other hand, this is two road games in a row for Pittsburgh, and they got lucky last week, though not lucky enough to cover for me.

OAKLAND(-3)over seattle. $$ is coming in on the Seahawks. Oakland's 59 points last week is supposed to be an abberation. Of course it is. On the other hand, Seattle's red zone offense is...offensive. That's why they had five FGs last week. And the Seahawks suck on the road.

tennessee(+4.5)over SANDIEGO. I know the Chargers are due to bounce back. I know this is a west coast trip. That still only gets me to 3, 3.5 max. The Titans seem to be fine with either QB, and Chris Johnson has an 8-game-100-yard-rushing-road-streak-going. That has to count for something.

Keep Fear Alive!

I've taken michigan state(+7)over IOWA. I'd say more, but I think I'm going to the "Keep Fear Alive" rally in D.C. The game should be underway by the time the rally is over.

Weird Cowboy line

No time to analyze picks--or to recap last week's picks! Here are my picks for this week. Sorry, no NCAA this week. Michigan State is still undefeated. Go Green.

pittsburgh(-3)over MIAMI
newengland(+3)over SANDIEGO
CAROLINA(+3)over sanfrancisco A sorry 'Niners team plays on the east coast, giving points? Yes please!
minnesota(+3)over GREENBAY The Packers are a mess right now. On the other hand, my fantasy opponent this week just dropped the Ol' Yogurt Slinger just yesterday, after taking him with the 5th overall pick. Maybe the Vikings are a mess right now too.

Bodog is determined to keep the Chargers-Pats line at 3, moving the Pats vig all the way to -135 to keep from moving to 2.5. No shock here, as the same thing happened with Ravens-Pats last week. Good thing too, because 3 got me a push. 2.5 and I go 1-4 for the weekend.

The part I don't get is that Dallas is favored by 3.5 over the Giants on Monday night, but rather than move the line down to 3, bodog has upped the Giants' vig to -125. This seems to indicate that they are afraid of an avalanche of Cowboy $$ if the line drops to 3, or that they are begging the public to take the Giants, because they think the Cowboys are going to cover. Weird. Usually the books don't want to move off 3, but in this case they seem to be avoiding it.

I just checked covers.com, and just about everywhere else has Dallas by 3. Not sure what bodog's deal is. Meanwhile, according to Chad Millman, my Pat and Viking picks are sucker bets...or are they? He has both of these lines at 2.5. I think at 3 I'm getting value with the better teams.

All Dogs, Mostly Road Dogs

To get to Maryland from Texas you need only pass through three other states--Arkansas, Tennessee, and Virginia. The latter two take about forever to get through, and unless you choose your route carefully, you get treated to the traffic goatfuck that is Washington D.C.

Back in Tennessee, Black Francis and I were treated to some sports talk radio, Volunteer style. This consisted of about five minutes of complaining about how Ohio State's schedule was almost as hard as Boise States, followed by about 45 minutes of NASCAR talk, followed by a bunch of UT football talk. One caller had an insane stutter, which rendered him unintelligible about every third word. I was extremely impressed by the host, as he answered multiple questions from his guest, none of which I could understand. No idea how he pulled this off.

I ended up 3-2 last weekend, including 2-1 on the NCAA, and 0-1 on my own pick, though I'll take partial credit for betting Washington, since I think the 'Skins are still underrated, and I've been looking to bet them.

I won on Michigan State(+4.5)34, Michigan 17, Arkansas(-6)24, Texas A&M 17, and
Washington(+3)16 Green Bay 13 (OT), and lost with Stanford 37(-10) , USC 35, and Kansas City(+8.5)9, Indianapolis 19.

This week I've taken minnesota (+6)over PURDUE, paying extra vig to move the line from 5.5. Purdue has a better record, but their schedule has been cupcake heavy. These two teams tend to have an annual shootout, so the over is probably worth a look too.

In fact, the O/U is 50. I thought it was 60. Have these teams stopped scoring, or started playing defense? I'm confused.

Minny's been scoring a bunch, as usual, but Purdue's totals are down. Tread lightly.

I've also taken olemiss(+21)over ALABAMA. 'Bama may bounce back after last week's loss to the Gamecocks, but Ole Miss is coming off a bye, and last I checked they didn't suck. While their student body has knuckled under to the PC tyranny, changing their mascot last week, I still think the Rebels are a good bet.

Nebraska has moved from a 9.5 point favorite to 10 over Texas. I saw this coming, and considered taking Nebraska(-9.5) and Texas(+10), but that moment has passed. If Texas' defense is as good as advertised, now is their time to show it. Nebraska wants to put their stamp on their departure to the Big 10(+2) by spanking the 'Horns in their final conference matchup. While I normally would root for Texas here, this time I'm pro-Nebraska, for the greater glory of the Big 10(+2).

Speaking of the Big 10(+2), Michigan State is 2-0 in conference, 6-0 overall, and doesn't have to play Ohio State this year. I don't want to jinx anything, but MSU has already beaten Wisconsin, widely considered to be the best team on their schedule, and if the Badgers can beat the Buckeyes(-4) at home today, the Big 10(+2) is wide open. Draw your own conclusions.

ESPN is looking at a letdown for Michigan State(-7) against Illinois. Great. Go Green. As long as they letdown but win, I don't care.

San Francisco is favored by 7 against Oakland. Not sure why.
oakland(+7)overSANFRANCISCO. Everyone seems determined to win some money on the 'Niners' bounce. I think the chance that they bounce and win by 4 or so is significant.

I'm not drinking the Buc's Kool-Aid, but I'm not drinking the Saint Kool-Aid either. New Orleans has fluctuated between a 5 and 4 point favorite on the road. Right now it's 4.5. That's enough for me. TAMPABAY(+4.5)over neworleans.

Bodog has the Raven vig running wild to keep it at 3. Not sure how much lower this would be if they let the line move. The Pats are Mossless, Ray Rice finally went wild last week...I'd be terrified to take the Pats, (like I did last year in the playoffs--oops) but I'm not sure about fading them either. I feel like this game is destined to make me feel stupid. The last time the Ravens drew a huge vig on the road (that I recall) was at San Diego last year. They won that one. baltimore(+3)over NEWENGLAND.

Hog Heaven, The Old _________slinger rides again!

Black Francis and I are about a third of the way to the US Army Propaganda School, a hop, skip and jump from NSA headquarters. We are more like a hop and skip from Little Rock, Arkansas, and I have never seen so many cars festooned with Razorback stickers (mostly trucks & SUVs) in my life.* I thought Texas was Horn happy. These people are HOG happy. Of course, many of them are probably returning from Cowboy stadium, where their Hogs beat the Aggies, 24-17. Since they covered the ultimate 6 point spread, I'm Hog happy too.

Me and Francis stopped at a Buffalo Wild Wings a bit before Little Rock, to watch the Cowboys lose. I had a drink called a Saucy Mary without asking what the ingredients were, figuring a wing place would be using extra hot sauce. Negative. This was like drinking BBQ sauce. Somewhat watered down BBQ sauce, but still. My burger had BBQ sauce on it as well. Maybe I should read the ingredients for the Big Daddy Jack Burger before ordering that as well.

Speaking of Big Daddy Jack, the Old Gunslinger is facing some sort of possible suspension for texting pictures of the Old Yogurtslinger to a NY Jets employee back in '08, when he was a NY Jets employee. I can't believe a sports / news junky like myself let this story get this far without me knowing about it. On the other hand, it seems like the press is trying to get this story to peak right when the Vikings play thet Jets, so Tony Kornheiser has something to talk about during the broadcast. Would they do something like that?

Brett Favre made sure to ice his elbow during a press conference earlier this week, so he would have an excuse if he sucks Monday Night. What he failed to mention was that this was a recurring injury from wacking off two years ago.** The NFL is making noises like Favre could be suspended before the Monday Night game. It's Monday moring now. Why the hurry all of a sudden. That scared of the NY Post?

Now I understand the what Fantasy Football teams named Favre Dollar Footlongs were going for. I'm considering renaming one of my teams the Old Yogurtslinger in Bretts honor. Let me know what you think of this.

*My favorite was one that said Woooooo Hog Soooooooeeeeee!!!! that covered most of the back of an SUV window, and a personalized plate on a Mercedes SUV that simply proclaimed WOOOOOOOOO.

**Apparently one of his photo texts included a message that he was mastrubating while wearing Crocs. I can't believe this pick up line never occurred to me. Back when I was texting pictures of my wang to get laid, I mean.

Michigan Wolverines Suck

Last week I evened up my record for the season. After Ole Miss got me to 1-0 on the NCAA, washington(+6.5) beat PHILADELPHIA outright, 17-12, injuring Michael Vick along the way. SANDIEGO(-9) laid the smack down on arizona, 41-10. My only blemish was chicago(+4) losing to NYGIANTS, 17-3. I was worried about the Giants bouncing back, but if they don't give Jay Cutler a concussion just before the half, this could have come out differently, so I still feel okay about this pick. Not great, but okay.

The only line I've jumped on early this week so far is
kansas city(+8.5)over INDIANAPOLIS. Apparently I'm not alone, as the line has dropped to 7.5. Bodog still had the line at 8 a half hour ago or so. I initially fet a little iffy about this, as Indy is capable of a blowout, especially at home, and with my KC fantasy interests I may be vulnerable to some of their 3-0 Kool-Aid. On the other hand, Indy's defense would seem to give Thomas Jones and Jamaal Charles a nice chance to run wild as long as the game is close, and 8.5 is a lot to give for a team that hasn't been terribly consistent.

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Chad Millman's wiseguy of the week on Behind the Bets likes KC, same as I do, while Colin Cowherd likes Indy in his Sizzlin' 7. When I've tuned into him, Colin's 7 have been notoriously inaccurate. He argues his points well, but he tends to end up picking what should happen, rather than what actually happens. Essentially this means he picks alot of favorites, where the smart maney is looking to bet underdogs.

Millman's guy also likes michigan state(+4.5)over MICHIGAN, considering Michigan to be a one-man team (I agree) and State to be a step up in class defensively (not so sure about this). Bodog's vig also indicates that money is coming in on the dog. I generally stay away from games where I care too much about the outcome, and 5-0 State at 5-0 Michigan is as big a game as I can remember for the Green and White. Neither team has really done anything yet, but right now we both can hope for the kind of season neither deserves to expect.

Hope springs eternal. Actually hope will be cut off at the knees for one of these teams sometime Saturday evening, and probably for the other in another week or two. Hope is destined for the trash heap. Hope is fucked.

In any case, I am following Millman's guy in taking State and the points, though I do like to take more than a FG in rivalry games, and 4.5 is gravy. Check my Michigan-ND pick if you'd like an example of this.

Not sure why Florida is favored by 6.5 over LSU, (it was 7.5) or why Georgia is favored by 11 over Tennessee. Does Vegas hate both LSU and the Vols for their weird ending last week? I may have to consult with Mike B. on these games. Anytime you feel like Mike B. could help you get a handle on a game, you may want to stay away from it.

Otherwise, I've taken WASHINGTON(+3)over greenbay. While I'm a little concerned the 'Skins could be in for a letdown after their big win at Phily last week, but the Packer running game is Aaron Rodgers running around end and diving out of bounds, and their defense is not as good as advertised. I'm hardly the only one taking Washington here, though most places you can only get (+2.5), so I'm also getting a really good price.

Still thinking about sandiego(-6)at OAKLAND. I'm all about the home dogs, but
Darren McFadden is out, and the Raiders suck against the run. At some point the Chargers should stop disappointing every other week and go on a sick run. Maybe this is the week. Maybe last week was the week, when they trounced Arizona. No, they need to kick ass on the road to go on their run. It looks like I may start Ryan Matthews and Mike Tolbert on one of my fantasy teams, while I am playing against Philip Rivers in another, for whatever that's worth. I could start Malcom Floyd in the game vs. Rivers, but if his production keeps going to Antonio Gates that won't help me.

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Chad Millman's wiseguy of the week likes Arkansas over Texas A&M. Apparently there has been a ton of action on this game, or at least a ton of line movement. Sal says this line opened at 6.5, moved up to 8.5, then came down to 5.5, as two rival syndicates with rival opinions took turns betting the shit out of the line.

Arkansas had a nice lead on National Champion Alabama two weeks ago, so I have no problem buying into the Razorback hype--they're good. The Aggies similarly failed to hold a lead vs. Oklahoma State last week, ultimately losing a 38-35 shootout. The Aggies and Cowboys seemed determined to demonstrate that defense is not a priority in the Big XII(-2). They succeeded. Arkansas may be able to show them how the SEC plays defense, but they'll be doing it in Texas...BUT not in College Station. This game is in the Cowboys Stadium, 3 1/2 hours away in Dallas. The Cotton Bowl is 6 hours from the University of Arkansas. Will Texas A&M's 12th Man be effective in Dallas? Not as much as in College Station, I suspect, though that new stadium may do a solid job of holding in the noise. Saw Pacquiao-Clottey there, and that place is BADASS. arkansas(-6)over TEXAS A&M.

Covers.com's Teddy Covers likes Stanford to cover 9.5 points en route to beating the Trojans of USC this week. Where some see a revenge game for 'SC, Teddy sees a program in decline that couldn't revenge their way out of a wet paper bag. Unfortunately for me, this line has moved to 10. So be it. STANFORD(-10)over usc.

Incidentally, Teddy is a University of Michigan grad. While I am following him on his Stanford pick, I made sure to talk smack to him on Covers.com's Facebook Page.

Last Saturday there was a Michigan flag up around the corner from me. I'd go vandalize it today, but I'm pretty busy...and it's light out. That would make 3 in the last year.

Only one original pick from me this week...so far. There's still time for some more NFL action, if I can make up my mind.

Michigan State pushes Texas aside

Took SANDIEGO(-9)over arizona a few minutes ago. This line was 8 before (and may have been 7) but if you're willing to give 8, why not 9? The Chargers like to flip between losses or unimpressive wins one week, and utter destruction of the enemy the next. They're at home, and 'Zona is shaky as fuck.

Ole Miss came through for me over Kentucky, 43-35, covering the 3. I thought the SEC played defense.

'Bama does. They CRUSHED Florida, 31-6. Michigan State pleasantly surprised me by beating Wisconsin by ten. Michigan won, but failed to cover. Glad I didn't bet them. Michigan & State go into their game next week with both of them 5-0. I don't remember the last time that happened. The '60's?

Me and Pennsyltucky Dave watched these and more today, including OU over Texas, Notre Dame over BC (ugh) and Iowa taking down Penn State. We started out at Texas Roadhouse, where MSU-Wisconsin took over the center screen, pushing the Red River shootout off to a side TV, after some amusing remote contol politics. After the (Michigan) State win we moved over to Pluckers to watch (Penn) State lose. Dave was remarkably congenial about the loss. Maybe the six TV screens distracted him, or the Roll Tide Roll guy. Watching 5 other games at the same time definitely helped me absorb the BC loss. That and I already knew they sucked. Eventually Black Francis joined us at Pluckers, and we watched him try to impress women with his Pluckers Gold Card. F-Train told us he is 50 points from lifetime access to the Pluckers V.I.P. lounge. Pluck yeah.

I need to rack out now. Me and Black Francis are catching the NFL lineup tomorrow. This weekend football schedule is brutal.

Slope Politics, Lustful Hearts

Eventful week in the Bunny Slope League, as the Camden Convicts, aka The Artists formerly known as the Cove Romosexuals, run by the ever so shady (as only a Cowboy fan from Jersey can be) F-Train, aka Frank the Tank, aka Black Francis, tried to turn the Blue Falcons into the Florida Convicts, engineering a lopsided trade of Ronnie Brown and Mike Sims-Walker for Ray Rice and Randy Moss. As the most biased commissioner since Bud Selig, I raised my Iron Fist and Velvet glove, and did my best impersonation of LBJ getting shit done when he ran the senate. I did my best to wrangle up eight votes to veto the trade before the ten-something a.m. Friday deadline, though sometime Thursday night I figured out that the trade had been successfully vetoed, and that it only took four votes to veto a trade.

I think Mike B. told me the same thing earlier that day, but I didn't follow, owing to his Tennessee/North Florida accent and what-not.

I suppose not knowing the league rules is one more thing I have in common with Bud Selig. On the other hand, successfully killing this trade before the Camden Convicts turned 2010 Bunny Slope into a re-enactment of Season I of Oz may be my proudest moment, since my most brilliant draft picks can be largely chalked up to luck.

Weirdly enough, the boTTomfEEders are playing F.I.N.D. (the quasi-illiterately named Fighting Irish Notre Dame) the same weekend that the real Fighting Irish take on the Boston College Screaming Showers...I mean Golden Eagles. Not the best timing, since the premiere Jesuit gridiron powerhouse in the world sucks this year. Wheras Notre Dame only appears to suck. Their 1-3 record masks a fair degree of competence...just like mine on the NFL last week. Right?

Thats my rose-tinted take on it anyway.

Bottom line is Pugilant Mick will be talking even more trash than usual if ND beats BC. If? More like when. At least I have Michigan State's sick fake field goal OT win over the Irish to hang my hat on. Even if our coach was driven to a late night heart attack by the intense victory. On the Bunny Slope, the boTTomfEEders are heavy favorites, despite half the team limping around on crutches, because we are that BADASS...and because Adrian Peterson has a bye.

Where was I? Oh yeah. In Big Ten(11) action, Denard Robinson's freakishly good start to the season has me considering things that will make me feel dirty afterwards. Like giving ten points at Indiana and betting the Wolverines. Denard Robinson managed to get himself injured last week, but backup Tate Forcier rose up, picked the splinters out of the back of his shapely Maize leggings, and generally kicked ass, so even if Robinson gets reinjured the Wolverines should be in good hands...other than they don't play a lick of defense.

No, you shouldn't bet the Wolverines this weekend, no matter how much you disrespect the Indiana Hoosiers. After all, the Bible told Christine O'Donnell that you shouldn't have lust in your hearts, and how can you bet the Wolverines without lust?

Michigan State is about to go get beat by Wisconsin. The Spartans have already shown that they can't stop the pass. This is their chance to show that they can't stop the run either. These Badgers are power-running fools, to the tune of two point favorites in East Lansing.

Two more games I'm avoiding despite their importance are Texas-Oklahoma(-3.5) and Florida at Alabama(-8). The Red River Shootout is played every year in the Cotton Bowl, which is to say, south of the Red River. This is the chance for Okies to come South and blow some of the cash that legions of Texans dump in the Indian Casinos every weekend, since there's nowhere else to gamble legally...other than Louisiana, of course. Texans celebrate this invasion by telling each other Okie jokes, which are sort of like Redneck jokes, except they all assume or imply that Texas is sophisticated.

Compared to Oklahoma at least.

I can't lay 8 points with the Crimson Tide without lust in my heart, so I'm not going to do it. '09 Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram is healthy again, and running over people left and right, making his felonious father proud as he watches his games on a flat screen in Federal Lockup. Don't counterfeit US Currency, kids. Only the government can print money. Can they ever. Mark Ingram Senior is a Michigan State alum, but he took "Go Green" the wrong way.

Speaking of criminals, Mississippi and their new criminal QB got 'er done last week, putting the hurt on Fresno State, 55-38, and teaching Oregon that they should cut star players some slack--even if they like to boost TVs from their classmates dorm rooms. I love
OLE MISS(-3)over kentucky, and I'm betting it. Love, not lust. So it's okay.

Speaking of lust, there's a push to get rid of the Colonel, Ole Misses Confederate mascot, because it could give recruits the wrong idea about the school, and possibly encourage them to go to Mississippi State or LSU. Where was I? Lust. Since the movie The Blind Side made people outside of the deep south aware that they play football in Mississippi, the school is in the spotlight, along with their politically incorrect mascot. Apparently you're required to have an opinion about this stuff down there, especially if you are Michael Oher's hot cheerleader sister, because she is on record as anti-Colonel. ESPN has shown spoofed the issue, recommending Admiral Akbar from Star Wars, though whether this is intended to bring about change we can believe in, or prop up the old order is anybody's guess.

At least Gerard Butler isn't campaigning to get rid of Sparty, though nobody is sure why. The Spartans had slaves, so Sparty is just as likely as the Colonel to have once been a slaveholder, not to mention a possible warmongering pedophile. Repeatedly voted Most Buff Mascot, Sparty has never tested positive for sterroids, but the University has turned a blind eye to bulging biceps and backne before. Don't ask, don't tell. Maybe the Colonel needs some giant foam muscles, so criticism will bounce off of him.

Anyway, lotsa games tomorrow. Looks like me and Pennsyltucky Dave are going to watch a few of them.

After that comes Sunday, when me and Black Francis will catch some NFL, and probably put down some hot wings. After all, he is electronically tethered to Pluckers as part of the deal that got him in hock to them for his soul, now three or four times over. The vig is still running, of course, and by Monday he will probably owe almost enough soul to fill one of those 46 oz. beer mugs. Of course, the cruelest twist is that the hot sauce they said they'd name after him is really named after a different Frank.

I'm looking forward to the Ravens at Steelers game, which opened at Pittsburgh(-1.5), but is now up to PITT(-2). The Camden Convicts have alot riding on that game, since the Anaheim franchise is owned by a huge Steeler homer who owns half their team. Despite the Steelers' 3-0 start without Ben Roethlisberger, Anaheim is 0-3...also without Big Ben.

In a game between teams the F-Train hates, I have
washington(+7)over PHILADELPHIA. This line is now down to 6. Apparently Vegas figured the public will be drinking the Eagle Kool-Aid to the tune of a touchdown. Since the line dropped a bit, I must not be the only one who believes Donovan McNabb will be ultra-motivated to make sure his team only loses by 3 or 4.

Speaking of teams the F-Train hates, I also have chicago(+4)over NYGIANTS. While this looks like a classic letdown game for the Bears after Monday night's win over Green Bay, and a must-win bounce-back kind of game for the Giants, the Giants looked completely lost last week. They have alot to bounce back from. Bear action has dropped this line to 3.5. Vegas seems to be begging us to take Chicago, and we have. Now we'll see if this is a trap, or if the line really should be 1.5 or 2 like I'd guessed.

Linked up with somebody I hadn't heard from in about 16 years yesterday. I'd figured he was dead. He then informed me that while he was alive, another associate of ours had died, though only a month ago or so. Suicide. These developments are almost as Soap-Opera-ish as the Bunny Slope. Anyway, out of a lack of creativity, I will probably call him N-Dog, or N-Train, or N-Trail is this space, so consider yourself warned.

I'm not crazy about laying big points, but Arizona burned me when I took the points with them vs. Atlanta, so SANDIEGO(-9)over arizona. Hopefully the Chargers kick some ass. If Malcom Floyd gets me some fantasy points along the way I wouldn't complain about that either.