Minds Wander to Butch Thoughts

I may not be the only one noticing the decidedly metro ad assault by Head & Shoulders. Their latest ads are decidedly more butch. One makes fun of manicures, much like a Howie Long Chevy Truck ad, while another says "Miracle bra? The only miracle is when you manage to take one off. Apparantly the Queer Eye approach wasn't working. I wonder what 'Squatch will say about that.

Sean Penn won best actor, showing that the sports betting crowd is biased towards sports-related movies. Mickey Rourke was a heavy favorite on bodog.com, no doubt because their clientele had a pro-wrestling bias. You'll note that when I tried to parlay the Acadamy Award favorites I left out Best Actor. Nice. I suppose the sports betting crowd may be biased against gay-rights activists too, though Brokeback Mountain certainly didn't hurt Heath Ledger's odds for best supporting actor in The Dark Knight, as he was a whopping 1-35 favorite.

Tens Float on River

I went back offshore for more gambling yesterday, and emerged with a meager $220 profit form the $2-5 no limit game, particularly meager after I subtract for fuel and a hotel room. I borrowed a Ford Ranger from an acquaintance, so I didn't have to pay for a rental, but my vehicle was impossible to sleep in comfortably, since the seat can't recline.

Last week, by contrast, I won $640, about the same amount that was up for grabs in the hand that I will now relate. It was the last hand of the night, and it was only three handed. I was the big blind, and the button decided to straddle for $10. He was an aggressive, action player. Earlier I watched an old army buddy who I hadn't seen in about six years build up an impressive stack largely by picking off his bluffs. He then proceeded to lose it all by picking off his non-bluffs.

Action-Man had been drinking steadily all night. He was wearing a Notre Dame cap, which made me instinctively hate him, though after three or four hours this effect had worn off. Hate is the ally of tilt, and the enemy of patience, and patience is a virtue. Though this was the last hand of the night, since we were about to return to South Carolinian waters, the time for patience had not ended, since it's really all one long poker game. I was down for the cruise, and for the day, but still up for the weekend. If I'd looked down at Jack-deuce I would have serenely folded, or perhaps called, for one more blind. On the other hand, Action-man had straddled, so if we both called there is a decent chance he would bump it to 50 or so, assuming that we had nothing much if we only called.

I looked down to see a pair of tens. These could easily become an underpair on the flop, but three handed they were a pre-flop monster. I raised to $35. They both called, and the pot was $105.

The flop came J92, all spades. It was checked to me, and I checked. I intended to call this hand down, unless I became convinced I was beat. I didn't feel like betting and getting raised out of my socks. Action man took a green chip, and four reds, betting $45. The small blind folded, and I called.

The turn wasn't a spade, or anything else scary. I checked, and A-M placed three more greens on the felt--$75. I thought briefly and called, weighing the fate of my army buddy against my conviction that I was still ahead. The hand was getting expensive, and I was hoping A-M would check on the river.

The river was a blank, and A-M bet $150. He was kind of peculiar about it, though. He looked like he was about to check the hand down, then he fumbled his chips a little as he decided how much to bet. I was pretty torn between folding and calling. The indecisinve body language that preceeded his bet could be some Hollywooding on his part. I didn't want to share the fate of Sarge, and if I called and lost this hand would more or less wipe out my profits for the weekend.

"Will you show me if I fold?" I asked. He seemed confused for a moment, then said, "Maybe." I don't usually interrogate my opponents, since it slows up the game, and I figure I can make a pretty good guess as to whether I'm beat without it. Not to mention that you look like a fool when you guess wrong, and the interrogation process pretty much guarantees that everyone will be paying attention to you.

"That's fine," I replied. "I'd probably say the same thing." As I ceased my interrogation I sensed defiance from my opponent. More like I saw it, as he was staring me down. His body language struck me as a bit stiff, and aggressive. Strong when weak. "I call." He turned over Ace-three offsuit, and my red tens took down a $645 pot. Nice. If I get around to it, I might bore you with a couple of hands from this weekend, though I don't think they were as dramatic as that one.

Brokeback Eye for the Dark Knight's Nemesis Guy

I consulted with the Bald Sasquatch, and I now may have a handle on these Head and Shoulder ads. According to 'Squatch, these ads exploit the dynamic that hetero men instinctively take fashion advice from homosexuals, especially after the advent of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy. Good call 'Squatch, and spoken like a straight guy who gets fashion advice from Queer Eye, which, apparantly, he is. Very insightful, especially for a guy who doesn't really have enough hair to use much shampoo.

Maybe I should ask 'Squatch who will win the 2009 Academy Awards. The favorites are

Best Film: Slumdog Millionaire--4/25 That's right, bet $25 to win $4.
Best Director: Danny Boyle--1/9
Best Actor: Mickey Rourke--20/39
Best Actress: Kate Winslet--5/12
Best Supporting Actor: Heath Ledger--1/35.

This is all on bodog.com. Bodog is allowing a max bet of $100, wich means you can win no more than $2.86 on the Joker. As I have said before, bodog are a bunch of cowards. On the other hand, these odds reflect action, so maybe these guys are going to get hosed....

I've just tried to bet on Ledger, just to get that $2.86 number, and apparantly you can bet up to $3500 on the Joker--you can try to win a max of $100. That's more like it.

I just tried to get some attractive odds by parlaying all the above favorites, except for Mickey Rourke, and apparantly you can't do that. Cowards.

Contrast this with the Sun Cruz Casino, where IF you ride out to international waters, and IF you do it a day in advance, they will take action of up to fifty grand on a given sporting event. Pretty big balls for a little boat. I'm not sure how high they max out if you want to do a parlay. I played $2-5 No Limit on three separate cruises last weekend, and walked away up $640 or so. If I turned pro and wrote off my rental and hotel, I might come out better, but I'm not sure about that, especially if I pay taxes....

Maybe I'll ask 'Squatch. We could call it Bald Eye for the Thinning on Top Guy. I'll consult his shiny gourd like a magic eight ball. Or cue ball. Yeah, like a magic cue ball....dispensing wisdom like sugary yet tart Pez....ahhhhhhhhh.....

Good luck Heath. I'm not just saying that because we'll get to skip a speech, since somebody else will no doubt speak on your behalf. And do some sort of a tribute to you whether you win or not, which has about a 60% chance of being nauseating and overdone. You deserve better.

A-Roid as Folk

For the last week or two Alex Rodriguez and his sterroid use have dominated the sports news. Fellow Blogger and alleged non-sterroid user Curt Schilling calls for the other 103(?) who tested positive back in '03 to be outed, in order to clear non-users of suspicion, and many others seem to agree with him. Now, I'm not here to tell you whether or not the other bustees should be outed. I am here to tell you, since I haven't heard anyone else say it, that airing the names of the positive testees (uhhhh, he said testees, huh-huh) will not clear anybody of suspicion. The players were all warned they could be tested well before it happened, so no doubt many, if not most of them, cycled off soon enough to not get caught. The tests were also random, so not getting tested doesn't exactly prove anything either.

Mainly we've proved that A-Roid isn't one of the sharpest tools in the shed.

The main problem with Curt Schilling is that as a player/blogger, he is expected to give his opinion about all things baseball. I, on the other hand, as a couch potato, haven't written anything since the Super Bowl. I can write, or not write, at my leisure.

It helps that I don't have any readers.

It also helps that I have no fear that anyone will ever suspect me of roiding up. Cheese Danishing up? Perhaps. McGriddling up? Guilty. Roiding up? I've never even roided sideways.

As far as I know, anyway.

I have taken Creatine, and a bit of Andro. Back in 2000, 2001 everybody was. Not just professional athletes. American Rugby players, with no hope of playing a professional sport, rugby or otherwise, were on it. Elite military units? You bet? Doctors...lawyers...accountants...
probably. If they were not, what was holding them back? Their ethics?

Wierd. Willie Nelson is singing

Mama, Don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys
Let 'em be doctors or lawyers, etc. etc.

Were Cowboys doing 'roids back then? Cowboys, Redskins, Giants...the list goes on and on.

That's the second time today that a recording synched up with what I was thinking. Earlier I was listening to a podcast while deciding what shirt to wear....

(I use Head and Shoulders, so my mind is free to wander--is it me, or do the guys in the radio ads with the wandering minds all seem to be thinking, um, really metro thoughts? Don't the guys at Proctor and Gamble know that the queers are way too upmarket for Head and Shoulders? They're spending their $$ on hair products that I don't even know the names of.

You'd think the average het male would be too freaked out by checking out some dude's package when his mind is wandering for these ads to be appealing. The implication is that het guys have dandruff, but gays don't. Metros? Of course not. Isn't that the point of being metro?

With the way the youth have taken to shaving their body hair, they probably don't think twice about any of this. Do they take sterroids to impress their boyfriends? If the episode of Queer as Folk I watched last week is any indication, some of them do.

Anyway, the chick on the podcast said she wen't to the University of Pennsylvania just as I was trying to decide what shirt to wear. It fact, I was holding up my Penn Shirt as she said it. I wore the Penn shirt.

Lest you think I'm a snob, I bought an Ole Miss shirt about the same time as I bought the Penn shirt. Go Quakers! Go Rebels!

As long as I'm collecting unusual mascots, I should go for Wake Forest. Go Demon Deacons!

I wasn't too impressed with what the sport chicks were saying about A-Roid. In their defense, I listen to sports talk incessantly, so most of what they said I'd already heard multiple spins on. I think they're also handicapped by the fact that men don't like it when women know more about sports than they do. Sorry Gals, life ain't fair.

I pretty much hate A-Rod, as a Yankee, and as a douchebag, but he's getting screwed here. Screwing the rest of the roid-cheats won't make it right, though.

Do you have a 'Zona Tramp Stamp? Me neither!

Super Bowl pick? What Super Bowl pick? My general rule is not to pick games unless I bet on them, putting my money where my mouth is, so to speak. It happens that I tend to do really badly picking the Super Bowl, while I generally do pretty well with the NFL playoffs. I am only 5-5 in the playoffs this year. While I haven't bet this game against the spread, I have bet. I've teased PITTSBURGH (-0.5)and THE UNDER(53.5), and
ARIZONA(+14)and THE OVER(40). Essentially I'm picking a close game, with an average score. If Pittsburgh wins a close game with a typical score, say 27-21, I win both bets. If Arizona wins by a similar score, I win one. If Pittsburgh wins by more than 14, I win one, as long as the total stays under 54. I win both if the Steelers win 33-20. I lose both if the Steelers win 35-20, one because the game didn't cover the teased under, the other because the Cards didn't cover their teased spread. If the Steelers win 21-20, I win both bets. If the Cardnails win 21-19 I lose both bets. If the Cardnails win 41-0, I win one bet. Confused? If I knew how to put graphics in this blog I would graph it. It makes a sort of Argyle pattern.

I got snubbed by Bill Simmons again. I asked a question in his pre-Super Bowl chat wrap, but didn't make the cut. I don't remember my exact question, but it concerned those NFL "Sunday" ads we've been seeing for the last couple of months. There's a girl in an office in the ad who shows her Cardnails tramp-stamp when she squats to pick up a pen or something. I considered a tramp-stamp of the Cardnails logo to be one of the most improbable tatoos ever conceived of. Especially before their improbable run. Now that fan polls show a majority have talked themselves into predicting a Cardnails victory, and legions of alleged fans have supposedly come out of the woodwork, should I think that a Cardnail tramp-stamp actually exists somewhere, other than as some sort of Platonic Ideal?

Whoa. They are interviewing Alyssa Milano about here trampy looking MLB, and now NFL gear, and the multi-tatooed actress has just picked the Cardnails.... Maybe she's the one. Maybe legions of little whores will go under the needle during the postgame celebrations. This won't be nearly as momentus if it follows a Steeler victory, since I suspect a few Steeler tramp-stamps already exist. I'm fairly confident there are some Premiereship fans who have done this. Imagine throwing a hot dog down a hallway of some slag from Liverpool, and reading "You'll Never Walk Alone" on the small of her back. Hope you wore a raincoat, pal.

I watched Liverpool handle Chelsea, 2-0 at Anfield earlier today. Not that I'm bitter or anything.

Round logos, like Pittsburg's or Tennessee's, are round enough that I would probably call them cum targets. This also goes for nearly round logos, like the Green Bay "G," the Georgia "G," or the AC Milan or Juventus logos. Definitely goes for the Inter logo, or Celtic, since these are round.

Tatoos that involve horses are inherently trampy too, like the Broncos or Colts. But nothing says "low self esteem" like a Lions tramp stamp....

After a grill interlude, I'm back, after the Steeler touchdown, er, field goal. I'm a a little pissed the Steelers didn't sneak it in on 4th down. On the other hand, a field goal probably augurs a closer game. Now that the Steelers have forced a punt, I'm a bit more content. Yes, I'm rooting for Pittsburgh. To win by 13 or less, preferably.

While grilling I called Pugilant Mick, who agrees that the Lions shouldn't draft Matt Stafford with the #1 pick. Or Michael Crabtree. I went beyond that to say they should draft a left tackle, preferably the one from Oklahoma, or the one from 'Bama. Or Ole Miss. If the guy from Ole Miss can compete with the other two for attention he may be better than either....

Wow. Harrison's TD stands, and instead of the Steelers trailing 14-10, they lead 17-7. I think this is ideal for my bets. There needed to be a score, because with so few posessions the score could go under 40. Arizona seems to have gotten into their rhythm, so they have a good chance of keeping it close....

It's almost time for Bruce. NBC ran an ad a couple of weeks ago where they showed him doing a powerslide. He looked slightly less ridiculous than Jack Black in Pick of Destiny, with the bonus that it made me afraid he would break something. I guess he's still 20 years from breaking a hip, so I guess a knee would be it....

He just did the slide, to the same side of the stage as in the ad. Since the camera was below the stage he was actually kinda intimidating. Before the first song he bent over backwards, so I guess I was sold then....

They're finishing up with Glory Days. This is the best halftime show of the last several years, except for Prince...and Justin/Janet....On the other hand, everyone up by the stage has the same fake lighters, which detracted from it a bit...not that I expected the blonde up front to flash her tits or anything....

Courtney Cox showed up in a Doritos ad or something in the first half, so I knew she wouldn't be in the halftime show. I'm glad, because that let Bruce skip Dancing in the Dark. Personally, I wanted to see The River and Brilliant Disguise, not that that would ever happen....I wanted to see Even the Losers last year, especially once it became apparant that the Giants just might beat the best team ever.

The Cardnails are starting the 2nd half running the ball. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I need between 41 and 53 points scored. This shortening of the game could help....and this cdould help spring Fitzgerald deep too....

If the last call holds up, the Cards just turned the ball over....No. Incomplete pass. That's what I thought. I think the biggest danger to my bets is Pittsburgh running the ball and shortening the game. They had the ball 17 minutes in the first half.

2nd and goal from the 8. I think I'm rooting for a FG. 20-7 keeps it within 2 scores & keeps the Cards motivated. 23-21 wins for me.

4th down. Looks like I'll get my wish, barring a bizzare play. Super Bowls tend to have alot of blocks, safeties, etc.

The wierdness just happened. The kick was good, but 'Zona roughed the holder. Half the distance and a first down on the 4.

4th down again. The Steelers have burned so much time in the last few plays I'm starting to worry that the teams don't get to 41. FG good, 20-7. 23-14 isn't enough. 27-14 gets me there, barely. Of the realistic scores, 27-21 is about the highest I can expect, so I'm not worried about the top end anymore.

Fitzgerald scores, 20-14. A Steelers TD will win both bets for me now. An Arizona TD will win me Cars]ds and the over, barely. Right now this is better than taking the Steelers (-7) since they aren't covering at the moment.

And they just punted. 5.5 minutes left. I'm wondering if the Steelers can give up a quick TD, then drive down for a field goal. 'Cause that would be just Peachy, for me. The Cardnails are at midfield. Make that the 25. My 2 score scenario suddenly seems realistic. I'd prefer a Steeler interception returned for another score, however.

Polamalu nearly picked off a pass to Boldin. He was diving and wouldn't have been able to return it, though. Pittsburgh would probably run the clock out.

More wierdness. James Harrison punches a "Zona player on the ground during the Cardnail punt. The ball is downed on the Pittsburgh two, half the distance makes it the one.

2nd down, Willie Parker gets jsut far enough to avoid a safety. The cameras are showing the punter a play early.

The safety just happened on a 3rd down holding penalty. 20-16. The Steelers have to kick.

Wow. 2nd play of the drive Fitzgerald scores on a 63 yard pass. 23-20. If the Steelers score a touchdown I win both bets. If it goes to OT I win as long as Pittsburgh scores. My Arizona and the over bet is golden right now.

Santonio Holmes just ran a passdown to the 'Zona 5. 49 seconds left. This helps my cause. Alot.

More like the seven....Incomplete to Holmes on first down. Touchdown Holmes! I'm winning both bets. Unless 'Zona gets a TD. Then Steelers and the under is no good.

Game over, and I look like a genius. I should be a hedge fund manager. I guess anyone who just took the points might look like a genius right now, but what about when the Steelers were up 20-7? I was winning one of my bets when Pittsburgh was up 3-0, 10-0, 10-7, 17-7, 20-7, and 20-14. I was even winning one of my bets when Arizona led, 23-20! And for the final 35 seconds, I was winning both bets. Crazy.

I just heard this afternoon that just before Super Bowl XL, the entire Steeler team dressed up in Dick Lebeau Detroit Lions jerseys in Lebaeau's honor. That win, and this one, may be the closest the Lions will ever get to the Super Bowl.

Is that why I was rooting for the Steelers? Well, over all I was rooting for defense over offense. I also heard (probably in a Sports Guy podcast) somebody say that an upset every year cheapens past upsets. The Giants win last year would still be more meaningful, because the Pats were 18-0, but upsets would mean less if they happened every year. This isn't the NHL.