(If you don't want to read about cars, skip down to where my picks appear in bold print. I go on for a bit.)
I haven't posted in a week, since it's been hectic. I was on my way to New Orleans, wife & kid in tow, when my Impala broke down. Three days later, I bought a new Jetta, getting $4500 from the Chevy on a trade-in, sight unseen. If Automax doesn't want to do their due dillegence, who am I to do it for them. The local Chevy dealership, who replaced the transmission once, and just fixed it again, told me I would probably get $2000-$2500 from them, had I bought a Camaro from them.
As recently as four weeks ago I remarked that buying a Camaro might be the most patriotic act I could imagine. It may be more accurate to say that it was the most patriotic act I could imagine myself doing, since I don't particularly care for any other Chevys right now. As for other American cars, I can see myself in a Challenger, a used CTS...or maybe a Pontiac G8 or GTO (For a cheap fuck like me, buying a new car is an uber-patriotic act. Buying a house? Well, my duplex will make me money, so ultimately this is a less expensive act. My Jetta is only about 1% American parts, so about every Japanese car I could have considered is more American than my new Krautmobile.
Since I will move to Germany in the next year or so, it behooves me to get a car that is easy to maintain over there. Apparently it would have behooved me to get a Golf, so I could squeeze my way into tight parking spaces, but I want that massive Jetta trunk. I need to make this car practical long term, especially if I am harboring any plans to get a Camaro when I get back to the US. (Or a BMW...I test drove an '06 330i--smokin' fast. Makes me shudder to think what the 335i will do, since these beasts get a 300HP twin turbo flat 6, instead of the 265 or so horses from the 330i. I like cars that make me shudder.
My Jetta doesn't quite do that, but it is a Wolfsburg Edition, so it gets the 2.0 liter turbo engine. It's a stealthy little rocket. I like stealth...one way this car trumps a Camaro. The stealthiest you can get with those is to get one in Cyber Grey Metallic, or maybe Imperial Blue Metallic. Don't go with Victory Red, Rally Yellow, or Synergy Green. And stay away from racing stripes.
Black is the only color on the Camaro palate that doesn't get an adjective. White? Make that Summit white.
Having scoured the internet for car info in the past week, I am suddenly conversant in the language of car colors. The adjectives used tell you where these guys' heads are at...or rather, where they think their customers' heads are at. Mitsubishi Lancers don't come in white. They come in
Wicked White. Want a white Mitsubishi Galant? It comes in White Pearl. You can't get a white Jaguar XJ. The closest you can get is Porcelain...which makes it sound like a $72,500 toilet...or the milky skin of a damsel in a vampire novel. Jags also come in other expensive sounding colors, like Claret Metallic, and Caviar Metallic. If you want a black Jag, they come in Ebony...or Ultimate Black Metallic. Going back to Mitsubishi, Eclipses come in Kalapana Black. Lancers come in Tarmac Black Pearl, while Lancer Evolutions come in Phantom Black Pearl.
VW doesn't rely on adjectives to evoke...whatever it is these manufacturers are trying to evoke. They provide brief
paragraphs for each color. While these paragraphs are only slightly less obnoxious than the rest of VW's marketing, they have enough entertainment value that I am reproducing them here.
White Gold Metallic: "This metallic blend of white and gold says class, sophistication, and style. Win win win." It also says you want a Jag or a Benz, but can't afford one. Or a Caddy. Cadillac calls this shade (more or less) Vanilla Latte.
Black Uni: "The color of crisp, parallel grill lines seared into a fleshy steak; dancing piano keys; a desolate road without a single street light." Apparently this is not the color for vegans, a demographic I tend to associate with VW. Black Uni is good for tailgaters, musicians, and stalkers. Black Jetta is the new white van.
Salsa Red: "A thick, deep red. Though highly tempting, we don't advise trying to dip your chips in it." Especially if your chips were fried in animal fat. I'm not sure where the vegans stand on salsa. Maybe this is their color. Salsa is the new green.
Candy White: "White is the color with the least amount of ego emissions. Candy white emits a bit more ego. Because it's a lot more glossy. Like candy apple red. Except more white than red. Reaffirming VW's appeal to stoners. This description just gave me the munchies. Hopefully the rear has room for a bunch of dippy bumper stickers.
Blue Graphite Metallic: "Not just blue, blue with graphite flakes. Like having millions of little safety reflectors." Not so much appealing to stoners, as written by stoners. On my computer this looks way more graphite and metallic than blue. About as un-blue as blue can be.
Platinum Gray Metallic: "Better than gold. You bet. It's tough, industrial, and shiny, like a popular rock band." Huh? Maybe they should have called this shade Nickelback. They're...shiny, I guess. This might be my favorite shade, but it may be my least favorite description.
Reflex Silver Metallic: "A touch more bling than gray, a bit more exhilarating than white. Not quite black, not aluminum either. The color of metal. The color of steel. Cool, collected, confident." Or, can't afford a Bimmer...yet. This may be my least favorite shade, but it's the one I'm stuck with, since there was only one Wolfsburg Edition available. It's stealthy, in the way only blah can be. A gray car for the gray man. I like it better on rainy days, so far, but this may be due to Jaguar colors like Frost Blue and Vapour Grey, that evoke the Mists of Avalon...or something.
Sadly enough, there's more. While Reflex Silver Metallic, White Gold Metallic, and Candy White are also available on the Passat, they are joined by...
Deep Black: "Turn off the lights. Close your eyes. Beautiful." This black says you've moved on from all that Jetta stoner nonsense.
Mocha Anthracite: "Like freshly brewed German coffee to stir your senses and get your drive off on the right foot." Hopefully anthracite isn't an artificial sweetener. Personally, I rely on the Italians or French (or Indonesians) for coffee. Stick to cars and beer.
Island Gray Metallic: "The color of foggy mornings, drizzly afternoons, smeared newsprint on your fingertips, smoke rising from the crackling fire." Clearly this is the shade I've been trying to shoehorn my car into in my mind. And I have many leatherbound books that smell of rich mahogany. A very literate shade.
The Passat's muted palate continues on the CC, though the CC has a whopping nine shades to choose from. If I'm paying this much I want choices....even if they all look sort of the same. We've already seen deep black, island gray metallic, reflex silver metallic, white gold metallic, and candy white, which leaves four new shades.
Mocha Anthracite Metallic: This gets the same description as the previous Mocha Anthracite, but sounds less healthy, and looks exactly the same, on my laptop anyway.
Shadow Blue Metallic: "Blue has lots of layers. Calm, confident and friendly it can also be mysterious and seductive. If the world had to pick a favorite color, the winner would probably be blue." Popular yet mysterious. The color for the guy who can't make up his mind...and hopes to get laid...without seeming desperate. Looks more blue than the shade on the Jetta, and the Passat didn't even have a blue. I missed it, until this description.
Iron Gray Metallic: "Like the magnetic metal after which it was named, the CC attracts a crowd, and draws them in for a closer look." The CC was named after a metal? I thought iron was Fe. A lighter shade than an Iron Cross, but almost as butch.
Light Brown Metallic: "With a nice hint of chocolate. Now, sure, chocolate is also brown. So how do we know there is a hint of chocolate in there? Trust. That's how." Huh? Just when we'd put our VW stoner past behind us, I've got the munchies again.
Hold on.
White Gold Metallic gets a new description: "It's close to the color of champagne that was popped and sprayed about during it's Pike's Peak victories." Though Chrysler's shade "Champagne" may do a better job of hiding dirt.
I'm semi-terrified to see what drivel they've concocted for the mini-vans. No, I haven't checked yet. I didn't think this would go on and on.
Good god. The Routan has eight new shades, or perhaps one new shade, and seven renamed shades. Take a deep breath.
Antigua Blue: "Clean, simple and pure. It's like a huge vanilla ice cream cone that never melts." And it's Downy fresh...well, it's the shade of fabric softener. Blue vanilla? See, I just told you the shade without all this nonsense. Though I'm too butch to use fabric softener...or hand sanitizer.
Cala Lily White: "Clean and untouched. Here's carte blanche to make your mark." Sounds like a Madonna song...looks like Moby Dick.
Cocoa Bean: "Dark, rich and delicious like the treat it's inspired by." They know they need to manipulate the wife into wanting this. Men are going to manipulate their way into a 4x4.
Mercury Silver: "Lustrous, mysterious, mercurial. Like quicksilver. Now you see it, now you don't." Like your vampire boyfriend. Or bon bons.
Tanzanite: "A shaded medley of sapphire blue, violet and burgundy that glimmers like a rare gemstone." Good god. It's like an ad for
Jareds.
Pomegranate Red: "Mouthwateringly fresh. Ready to be picked and savored." But don't dip your chips in it. Maybe a shade darker than salsa. Maybe.
Noctune Black: "Sophisticated, stylish, and trendsetting. Noctune Black is the new black."
Meteor Gray: "Elegant and out of this world, ready to enter the earth's atmosphere in style." These last two are more butch than their descriptions, which still are a bit estrogen-heavy.
Tiguan has approximately the same colors we've seen before, but with completely new despciptions. GTI has colors we've seen before, but with decidedly more butch descriptions....Other than Carbon Steel Gray Metallic, a new color, that gets the same description as Reflex Silver Metallic. Too bad, because I like this shade alot more than the one I'm stuck with. Golf has some of the same shades as the GTI, but these get different descriptions too.
While these endless descriptions have worn me down to a nub, I'm confident the Beetle descriptions will be entertaining....
Different.
Since I last posted, I've made several bets, all of whcih I've posted on covers.com. Here is a recap.
March 3:
SOUTH CAROLINA(-3)over alabama--'Bama won, 79-70. 0-1...
NOTRE DAME(-1)over uconn--ND won, 58-50. 1-1. Glad I didn't take the over.
MARYLAND(+2)over duke--MD won, 79-72. 2-1. Brought me to 10-2 on covers.com. I also took
BOSTON COLLEGE(-7)over virginia, but didn't post it because I didn't feel too confident about BC. BC won, 68-55
March 4: Teaser:
ARIZONA(pick)over ucla, under 145. I didn't feel good about this pick. Shoulda went with that feeling. Arizona won, but the total went over, 78-73. 2-2. 10-3 on covers.
March 6:
GEORGETOWN(-7)over cincinnati--Not even close. G'town, 74-47.
VILLANOVA(-3)over west virginia--Close, but no cigar. WVU, 68-66.
BAYLOR(-3)over texas. I've done great fading the 'Horns this year. Baylor, 92-77.
MISSISSIPPI STATE(-3)over tennessee--What you need to realise about Miss St. is that they make their living from behind the arc. If they have a bad shooting night, they're pretty much fucked.
Tennessee, 75-59. 2-2 for the day. 12-5 on covers.
March 7:
OLD DOMINION(-1)over virginia commonwealth--This pick 99% technical analysis. What the fuck do I know about the CAA. Other than Colonial, I don't even know what CAA stands for. OD, 73-69. Teaser:
ILLINOIS(+8.5)over wisconsin, over 117. Got the over part right. Illinois lives by the jump shot, and they die by it. Wisconsin, 72-57.
WAKE FOREST(-1)over clemson. Felt good about this one...WF, 70-65. 2-1 on the day, 14-6 on covers.
March 8
: Old Dominion vs. William & Mary, OVER 117. This number seemed way too low. And...teaser:
OLD DOMINION(-4)over william & mary, over 112. If these teams had shot some fucking free throws (a tongue-twister--try it!) this would have gone over. There were 2 or 3 nasty cold streaks in this game. But, the last free throw of the game won me one of these bets. OD 60-53, 113 total. 1-1, 15-7.
March 9: Teaser:
South Florida(-2.5)over DePaul, under 131. No home court...the Big East Tournament is in Madison Square Garden. USF, 58-49. 107 points. The only reason I teased under instead of over was because the total had moved from 124.5 to 126, so under seemed like a better deal. Accuscore's pick may have moved the total. Alot of totals seem to receive enough action to move them to Accuscore's predictions...or the bookies just adjust the totals that way, with or without the action.
I regret that I didn't trust St. John's(+4) on their home court vs. UConn. The Johnnies won easily, 73-51. This line was 5 by game time. Maybe it would have helped if I'd remembered that St. John's played their home games at MSG. Maybe I would have remebered if the Johnnies were still good.
