Alan Shearer for President!
Currently, (and for the record we are between the New Hampshire and South Carolina primaries) the odds for "who will be elected US President in 2008," on Ladbrokes.com read:
Hillary Clinton 5/4
Barak Obama 2/1
John McCain 4/1
Rudy Giuliani 8/1
Mike Huckabee 12/1
Michael Bloomberg 16/1
Mitt Romney 20/1
Ron Paul 66/1
John Edwards 100/1
Fred Thompson 100/1
Now Ladbrokes does not service Americans. This has been their policy as long as I can remember, and I know I looked into the matter somewhere between 2001 and 2003 or 4. This puts them ahead of the curve, as the US Government didn't try to outlaw gambling until 2006. Apparently they knew they didn't want our $$ since before we knew we didn't want to give it to them.
It may be helpful to take these odds with a grain of salt, since the English may have a skewed view of American Politics. They see us elect Texans, and assume we are ruled by gunslinging cowboys. After eight years of George W. Bush I'm beginning to think they're ahead of the curve here too. This, as opposed to the French, who only banned smoking in public two weeks ago, and persisted in selling arms to Iraq about twenty years longer than we did,* or at least a significant time after we banned it. We are slowly leading France into the new millenium.
Why not? Smoking is a dirty habit, and so is arms dealing. Studies have shown that killing Middle Eastern vermin yourself is dirtier, and possibly more addictive. It is clearly more expensive, unless you seize the oil wells, or enlist the citizenry as galley slaves, or perhaps ship them off to be endentured servants on some faraway coast. If we are serious about saving the Iraqis from themselves this would seem to be a good start. Perhaps this is why we are suddenly so interested in stemming the tide of Mexicans....perhaps not.
Gambling is a dirty habit too, especially if you suck down a carton of Marlboros while you tug on a one-armed bandit. Perhaps this is why the Germans are moving to outlaw internet gambling. Perhaps the German state is addicted to the revenues from government administered lotteries, and fear that Germans would rather gamble on the internet, or would possibly stop buying lottery tickets if they can gamble in their own smoke-free living rooms. At least smokers might buy some scratch tickets when they go down to the corner to buy their next carton of smokes. Non-smokers might never buy tickets except when they buy petrol, assuming that German lottery tickets are sold in gas stations, of course.
Speaking of petrol, we are addicted to it, no? Is that the bottom line? Is that why we linger over there? The price of oil isn't exactly dropping, especially when you consider that the dollar isn't exactly rising. But who says our continued involvement has to make sense? Addiction may have a rational element, but it has an irrational element as well. Am I saying that we must be addicted to the war because it is irrational? No. I am saying that we are addicted because we are having a hard time quitting.
What is making it so hard to quit? Oil? Perhaps it is something more abstract, like doing good. Or winning. Or fear. Have we done good? Is Iraq better off than before we stopped by? No, you say, but when we are done they will be. No, you say, but they will be even worse off if we leave now....
Winning--if we leave now, we are admitting defeat. If we stick it out, we can win in the end. We stay because we must. It's all or nothing. Death or Glory. We cannot retreat; we can only go forward....
At least one of these statements could also justify continuing to sit at the same slot machine, hour after hour. Another has justified numerous all-in moves in no-limit hold-em games, regardless of who the odds favor. Another is a song by The Clash....am I going to tell you that this means we are addicted to winning? Are you going to deny it?
Denial. One sign of denial is ever shifting, expedient justifications for our actions. Weapons of Mass Destruction...Operation Iraqi Freedom...make the world free for democracy....better to fight them over there than over here...keep the fags in Vermont where they belong...no gay marriage...
Are we addicted to war? To victory? The Krauts were once, and so were the Japs. They needed an intervention, and we gave it to them. Now they have less destructive addictions, like kiddie porn and animal porn. Beastiality is a nasty habit, especially if you simultaneously play internet poker while smoking Gitanes. Nobody engages in beastiality while playing a scratch ticket. Do it in Germany and the Gestapo will club you silly. But in the privacy of your home? Point and click....The rules are less cut and dried in Japan, and not just because they're written in Japanese....Some of them aren't written down at all. The Japs aren't into beastiality. Penis envy, you snicker? No. The Japs aren't into dogs for the same reason we aren't into cows--hunger. What about sheep, you say? The Japanese don't have sheep. That would change everything....
The British invented Empiricism, and then they invented Utilitarianism. It shows. What could be more Utilitarian than having your sheep, and eating it too? The Brits helped us intervene with Germany--twice. They even tried to help us intervene in Iraq. They aren't there anymore. No problem--the Wops weren't too helpful when the Krauts intervened in France either--I'm not saying the French were shagging underaged farm animals across the Maginot Line while smoking Gauloise or anything, but whatever they were up to, they got straightened right out.
The problem isn't that the Limeys aren't there to help us intervene in Iraq. The problem is that we require a different kind of intervention. We need someone to talk sense to us, because beating it into us won't work. The British and French may be war addicts, but they are in recovery. They have learned how to lose wars, and they have learned to cut their losses. They may be playing at the low-stakes limit table, instead of the high-stakes no limit table, but they're still around....
We need to get over our addiction to victory,. Defeat is never graceful, but sometimes it is better than prolonging the inevitable....Not every intervention is successful either...sometimes you have to let them hit rock bottom...if the Middle East insists on remaining addicted to Islam, violence, and unnatural relations with goats, leave them to it! Where I live no smoking is allowed in government buildings, except in slot parlours. Get the slot jockeys breathing second hand smoke, that'll show 'em! Addicted to cigarettes? Go smoke them somewhere where you can indulge in a really expensive habit. Smoking might kill you, but it won't bankrupt you....slots might be one-armed-bandits, but they won't kill you....
Lets move on--I think I'm hyperventilating. In related news...
Ladbrokes odds favor Alan Shearer for Newcastle Job
The odds for who will be the next Newcastle United Manager are as follows--(Jan 9)
Alan Shearer 4/6
Martin Jol 4/1
Marcello Lippi 10/1
Jose Mourinho 12/1
Steve McClaren 16/1
Jurgen Klingsman 25/1
This as opposed to on 31Aug04, where the odds were as follows:
NEXT PERMANENT NEWCASTLE MANAGER
13/8 from 11/4 SHEARER
4/1 from 2/1 HOULLIER
4/1 from 5/2 BRUCE
6/1 from 25/1 McCLAREN
6/1 from 14/1 STRACHAN
7/1 from 50/1 VENABLES
14/1 ALLARDYCE
20/1 O'NEILL
20/1 MOYES
20/1 CURBISHLEY
33/1 GRAHAM
33/1 SCOLARI
33/1 M HUGHES
50/1 SOUNESS
50/1 HODDLE
50/1 GREGORY
50/1 KEEGAN
66/1 DOWIE
66/1 MCGHEE
66/1 PEARCE
100/1 BEARDSLEY
Antony Melvin31/08/2004
According to Wikipedia John Carver managed the team from 11 Sep to 13Sep, which makes me think he was an interim manager. Then Graeme Souness (50/1) was hired, and managed til 2Feb2006. Show what these guys know. At this rate Ron Paul has a shot. Since Al Gore, I mean George W. Bush was elected president, Newcastle United has had four managers, not including interim managers. Going on five.
*Not sure when either of us stopped, or indeed, IF we've stopped.
Hillary Clinton 5/4
Barak Obama 2/1
John McCain 4/1
Rudy Giuliani 8/1
Mike Huckabee 12/1
Michael Bloomberg 16/1
Mitt Romney 20/1
Ron Paul 66/1
John Edwards 100/1
Fred Thompson 100/1
Now Ladbrokes does not service Americans. This has been their policy as long as I can remember, and I know I looked into the matter somewhere between 2001 and 2003 or 4. This puts them ahead of the curve, as the US Government didn't try to outlaw gambling until 2006. Apparently they knew they didn't want our $$ since before we knew we didn't want to give it to them.
It may be helpful to take these odds with a grain of salt, since the English may have a skewed view of American Politics. They see us elect Texans, and assume we are ruled by gunslinging cowboys. After eight years of George W. Bush I'm beginning to think they're ahead of the curve here too. This, as opposed to the French, who only banned smoking in public two weeks ago, and persisted in selling arms to Iraq about twenty years longer than we did,* or at least a significant time after we banned it. We are slowly leading France into the new millenium.
Why not? Smoking is a dirty habit, and so is arms dealing. Studies have shown that killing Middle Eastern vermin yourself is dirtier, and possibly more addictive. It is clearly more expensive, unless you seize the oil wells, or enlist the citizenry as galley slaves, or perhaps ship them off to be endentured servants on some faraway coast. If we are serious about saving the Iraqis from themselves this would seem to be a good start. Perhaps this is why we are suddenly so interested in stemming the tide of Mexicans....perhaps not.
Gambling is a dirty habit too, especially if you suck down a carton of Marlboros while you tug on a one-armed bandit. Perhaps this is why the Germans are moving to outlaw internet gambling. Perhaps the German state is addicted to the revenues from government administered lotteries, and fear that Germans would rather gamble on the internet, or would possibly stop buying lottery tickets if they can gamble in their own smoke-free living rooms. At least smokers might buy some scratch tickets when they go down to the corner to buy their next carton of smokes. Non-smokers might never buy tickets except when they buy petrol, assuming that German lottery tickets are sold in gas stations, of course.
Speaking of petrol, we are addicted to it, no? Is that the bottom line? Is that why we linger over there? The price of oil isn't exactly dropping, especially when you consider that the dollar isn't exactly rising. But who says our continued involvement has to make sense? Addiction may have a rational element, but it has an irrational element as well. Am I saying that we must be addicted to the war because it is irrational? No. I am saying that we are addicted because we are having a hard time quitting.
What is making it so hard to quit? Oil? Perhaps it is something more abstract, like doing good. Or winning. Or fear. Have we done good? Is Iraq better off than before we stopped by? No, you say, but when we are done they will be. No, you say, but they will be even worse off if we leave now....
Winning--if we leave now, we are admitting defeat. If we stick it out, we can win in the end. We stay because we must. It's all or nothing. Death or Glory. We cannot retreat; we can only go forward....
At least one of these statements could also justify continuing to sit at the same slot machine, hour after hour. Another has justified numerous all-in moves in no-limit hold-em games, regardless of who the odds favor. Another is a song by The Clash....am I going to tell you that this means we are addicted to winning? Are you going to deny it?
Denial. One sign of denial is ever shifting, expedient justifications for our actions. Weapons of Mass Destruction...Operation Iraqi Freedom...make the world free for democracy....better to fight them over there than over here...keep the fags in Vermont where they belong...no gay marriage...
Are we addicted to war? To victory? The Krauts were once, and so were the Japs. They needed an intervention, and we gave it to them. Now they have less destructive addictions, like kiddie porn and animal porn. Beastiality is a nasty habit, especially if you simultaneously play internet poker while smoking Gitanes. Nobody engages in beastiality while playing a scratch ticket. Do it in Germany and the Gestapo will club you silly. But in the privacy of your home? Point and click....The rules are less cut and dried in Japan, and not just because they're written in Japanese....Some of them aren't written down at all. The Japs aren't into beastiality. Penis envy, you snicker? No. The Japs aren't into dogs for the same reason we aren't into cows--hunger. What about sheep, you say? The Japanese don't have sheep. That would change everything....
The British invented Empiricism, and then they invented Utilitarianism. It shows. What could be more Utilitarian than having your sheep, and eating it too? The Brits helped us intervene with Germany--twice. They even tried to help us intervene in Iraq. They aren't there anymore. No problem--the Wops weren't too helpful when the Krauts intervened in France either--I'm not saying the French were shagging underaged farm animals across the Maginot Line while smoking Gauloise or anything, but whatever they were up to, they got straightened right out.
The problem isn't that the Limeys aren't there to help us intervene in Iraq. The problem is that we require a different kind of intervention. We need someone to talk sense to us, because beating it into us won't work. The British and French may be war addicts, but they are in recovery. They have learned how to lose wars, and they have learned to cut their losses. They may be playing at the low-stakes limit table, instead of the high-stakes no limit table, but they're still around....
We need to get over our addiction to victory,. Defeat is never graceful, but sometimes it is better than prolonging the inevitable....Not every intervention is successful either...sometimes you have to let them hit rock bottom...if the Middle East insists on remaining addicted to Islam, violence, and unnatural relations with goats, leave them to it! Where I live no smoking is allowed in government buildings, except in slot parlours. Get the slot jockeys breathing second hand smoke, that'll show 'em! Addicted to cigarettes? Go smoke them somewhere where you can indulge in a really expensive habit. Smoking might kill you, but it won't bankrupt you....slots might be one-armed-bandits, but they won't kill you....
Lets move on--I think I'm hyperventilating. In related news...
Ladbrokes odds favor Alan Shearer for Newcastle Job
The odds for who will be the next Newcastle United Manager are as follows--(Jan 9)
Alan Shearer 4/6
Martin Jol 4/1
Marcello Lippi 10/1
Jose Mourinho 12/1
Steve McClaren 16/1
Jurgen Klingsman 25/1
This as opposed to on 31Aug04, where the odds were as follows:
NEXT PERMANENT NEWCASTLE MANAGER
13/8 from 11/4 SHEARER
4/1 from 2/1 HOULLIER
4/1 from 5/2 BRUCE
6/1 from 25/1 McCLAREN
6/1 from 14/1 STRACHAN
7/1 from 50/1 VENABLES
14/1 ALLARDYCE
20/1 O'NEILL
20/1 MOYES
20/1 CURBISHLEY
33/1 GRAHAM
33/1 SCOLARI
33/1 M HUGHES
50/1 SOUNESS
50/1 HODDLE
50/1 GREGORY
50/1 KEEGAN
66/1 DOWIE
66/1 MCGHEE
66/1 PEARCE
100/1 BEARDSLEY
Antony Melvin31/08/2004
According to Wikipedia John Carver managed the team from 11 Sep to 13Sep, which makes me think he was an interim manager. Then Graeme Souness (50/1) was hired, and managed til 2Feb2006. Show what these guys know. At this rate Ron Paul has a shot. Since Al Gore, I mean George W. Bush was elected president, Newcastle United has had four managers, not including interim managers. Going on five.
*Not sure when either of us stopped, or indeed, IF we've stopped.
posted by roQQ | 1:13 AM
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