Slope Politics, Lustful Hearts

Eventful week in the Bunny Slope League, as the Camden Convicts, aka The Artists formerly known as the Cove Romosexuals, run by the ever so shady (as only a Cowboy fan from Jersey can be) F-Train, aka Frank the Tank, aka Black Francis, tried to turn the Blue Falcons into the Florida Convicts, engineering a lopsided trade of Ronnie Brown and Mike Sims-Walker for Ray Rice and Randy Moss. As the most biased commissioner since Bud Selig, I raised my Iron Fist and Velvet glove, and did my best impersonation of LBJ getting shit done when he ran the senate. I did my best to wrangle up eight votes to veto the trade before the ten-something a.m. Friday deadline, though sometime Thursday night I figured out that the trade had been successfully vetoed, and that it only took four votes to veto a trade.

I think Mike B. told me the same thing earlier that day, but I didn't follow, owing to his Tennessee/North Florida accent and what-not.

I suppose not knowing the league rules is one more thing I have in common with Bud Selig. On the other hand, successfully killing this trade before the Camden Convicts turned 2010 Bunny Slope into a re-enactment of Season I of Oz may be my proudest moment, since my most brilliant draft picks can be largely chalked up to luck.

Weirdly enough, the boTTomfEEders are playing F.I.N.D. (the quasi-illiterately named Fighting Irish Notre Dame) the same weekend that the real Fighting Irish take on the Boston College Screaming Showers...I mean Golden Eagles. Not the best timing, since the premiere Jesuit gridiron powerhouse in the world sucks this year. Wheras Notre Dame only appears to suck. Their 1-3 record masks a fair degree of competence...just like mine on the NFL last week. Right?

Thats my rose-tinted take on it anyway.

Bottom line is Pugilant Mick will be talking even more trash than usual if ND beats BC. If? More like when. At least I have Michigan State's sick fake field goal OT win over the Irish to hang my hat on. Even if our coach was driven to a late night heart attack by the intense victory. On the Bunny Slope, the boTTomfEEders are heavy favorites, despite half the team limping around on crutches, because we are that BADASS...and because Adrian Peterson has a bye.

Where was I? Oh yeah. In Big Ten(11) action, Denard Robinson's freakishly good start to the season has me considering things that will make me feel dirty afterwards. Like giving ten points at Indiana and betting the Wolverines. Denard Robinson managed to get himself injured last week, but backup Tate Forcier rose up, picked the splinters out of the back of his shapely Maize leggings, and generally kicked ass, so even if Robinson gets reinjured the Wolverines should be in good hands...other than they don't play a lick of defense.

No, you shouldn't bet the Wolverines this weekend, no matter how much you disrespect the Indiana Hoosiers. After all, the Bible told Christine O'Donnell that you shouldn't have lust in your hearts, and how can you bet the Wolverines without lust?

Michigan State is about to go get beat by Wisconsin. The Spartans have already shown that they can't stop the pass. This is their chance to show that they can't stop the run either. These Badgers are power-running fools, to the tune of two point favorites in East Lansing.

Two more games I'm avoiding despite their importance are Texas-Oklahoma(-3.5) and Florida at Alabama(-8). The Red River Shootout is played every year in the Cotton Bowl, which is to say, south of the Red River. This is the chance for Okies to come South and blow some of the cash that legions of Texans dump in the Indian Casinos every weekend, since there's nowhere else to gamble legally...other than Louisiana, of course. Texans celebrate this invasion by telling each other Okie jokes, which are sort of like Redneck jokes, except they all assume or imply that Texas is sophisticated.

Compared to Oklahoma at least.

I can't lay 8 points with the Crimson Tide without lust in my heart, so I'm not going to do it. '09 Heisman trophy winner Mark Ingram is healthy again, and running over people left and right, making his felonious father proud as he watches his games on a flat screen in Federal Lockup. Don't counterfeit US Currency, kids. Only the government can print money. Can they ever. Mark Ingram Senior is a Michigan State alum, but he took "Go Green" the wrong way.

Speaking of criminals, Mississippi and their new criminal QB got 'er done last week, putting the hurt on Fresno State, 55-38, and teaching Oregon that they should cut star players some slack--even if they like to boost TVs from their classmates dorm rooms. I love
OLE MISS(-3)over kentucky, and I'm betting it. Love, not lust. So it's okay.

Speaking of lust, there's a push to get rid of the Colonel, Ole Misses Confederate mascot, because it could give recruits the wrong idea about the school, and possibly encourage them to go to Mississippi State or LSU. Where was I? Lust. Since the movie The Blind Side made people outside of the deep south aware that they play football in Mississippi, the school is in the spotlight, along with their politically incorrect mascot. Apparently you're required to have an opinion about this stuff down there, especially if you are Michael Oher's hot cheerleader sister, because she is on record as anti-Colonel. ESPN has shown spoofed the issue, recommending Admiral Akbar from Star Wars, though whether this is intended to bring about change we can believe in, or prop up the old order is anybody's guess.

At least Gerard Butler isn't campaigning to get rid of Sparty, though nobody is sure why. The Spartans had slaves, so Sparty is just as likely as the Colonel to have once been a slaveholder, not to mention a possible warmongering pedophile. Repeatedly voted Most Buff Mascot, Sparty has never tested positive for sterroids, but the University has turned a blind eye to bulging biceps and backne before. Don't ask, don't tell. Maybe the Colonel needs some giant foam muscles, so criticism will bounce off of him.

Anyway, lotsa games tomorrow. Looks like me and Pennsyltucky Dave are going to watch a few of them.

After that comes Sunday, when me and Black Francis will catch some NFL, and probably put down some hot wings. After all, he is electronically tethered to Pluckers as part of the deal that got him in hock to them for his soul, now three or four times over. The vig is still running, of course, and by Monday he will probably owe almost enough soul to fill one of those 46 oz. beer mugs. Of course, the cruelest twist is that the hot sauce they said they'd name after him is really named after a different Frank.

I'm looking forward to the Ravens at Steelers game, which opened at Pittsburgh(-1.5), but is now up to PITT(-2). The Camden Convicts have alot riding on that game, since the Anaheim franchise is owned by a huge Steeler homer who owns half their team. Despite the Steelers' 3-0 start without Ben Roethlisberger, Anaheim is 0-3...also without Big Ben.

In a game between teams the F-Train hates, I have
washington(+7)over PHILADELPHIA. This line is now down to 6. Apparently Vegas figured the public will be drinking the Eagle Kool-Aid to the tune of a touchdown. Since the line dropped a bit, I must not be the only one who believes Donovan McNabb will be ultra-motivated to make sure his team only loses by 3 or 4.

Speaking of teams the F-Train hates, I also have chicago(+4)over NYGIANTS. While this looks like a classic letdown game for the Bears after Monday night's win over Green Bay, and a must-win bounce-back kind of game for the Giants, the Giants looked completely lost last week. They have alot to bounce back from. Bear action has dropped this line to 3.5. Vegas seems to be begging us to take Chicago, and we have. Now we'll see if this is a trap, or if the line really should be 1.5 or 2 like I'd guessed.

Linked up with somebody I hadn't heard from in about 16 years yesterday. I'd figured he was dead. He then informed me that while he was alive, another associate of ours had died, though only a month ago or so. Suicide. These developments are almost as Soap-Opera-ish as the Bunny Slope. Anyway, out of a lack of creativity, I will probably call him N-Dog, or N-Train, or N-Trail is this space, so consider yourself warned.

I'm not crazy about laying big points, but Arizona burned me when I took the points with them vs. Atlanta, so SANDIEGO(-9)over arizona. Hopefully the Chargers kick some ass. If Malcom Floyd gets me some fantasy points along the way I wouldn't complain about that either.