Taken, not Stirred

I wrote this review and submitted it to the local paper. It was rejected.

I went to the Lyceum Tuesday night to check out Taken, and save you the trouble! Let me tell you about Taken.

I arrived early, drenched in cologne I’d applied a few minutes earlier at the NEX.* One of my associates informed me that this was wrong on several levels, making me feel about as low as if I’d kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter. Any plans I may or may not have had to do anything remotely nefarious towards Mr. Neeson’s family melted when I saw Rob Roy. This guy will flatten you, unless you’re Darth Maul or Christian Bale or somebody. As a method movie critic I was informed by my bat-sense that I ought to take a cologne bath so as to channel the eurotrash this flick promised to bombard us with. That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it.

Since my other associate moved a seat away from me, I probably was at least wrong on a couple of levels, but I think this confirms that my decision to not purchase this particular brand of cologne* was wise. The preview was for a flick called 12 Rounds, starring John Cena and the guy who played Tommy Carcetti, the Mayor of Baltimore in the last couple of seasons of The Wire. If you’re into implausible action flicks, rest assured that the laws of physics will be suspended a couple of times in this one. Mayor Carcetti shows his range by playing the same villan he played in Shanghai Noon II, which is more than you can say for John Cena. Cena varies his characters by wearing a police uniform instead of Marine camouflage, or a speedo and championship belt.
Liam Neeson varies his characters by changing his hairdo, and he played it pretty cool here, relative to his outlandish tresses in the Phantom Menace. He kicks off the movie by taking his sensible haircut to the store, purchasing a karaoke machine for his daughter Kimmy’s 17th birthday. Ironic foreshadowing, since many victims of human trafficking are into karaoke. Don’t ask me how I know this.

Kimmy’s stepfather upstages Liam by getting her a pony, which serves to set her apart from your run of the mill white slavery victims, as well as emasculating Mr. Neeson, who seemed so crestfallen I imagined for an instant I could take him. My impression was confirmed when Liam explained to the stepfather in a tense moment that the situation at hand was not about the sizes of their respective genatalia, while deftly demonstrating that his was at least as impressive as it was in Batman Begins.

The eventual crisis is brought on by Kimmy’s wet blanket of a mother, played by Dr. Jane Grey, I mean Famke Janssen, who is hellbent on shipping her daughter overseas out of motives that seemed murky to me. Mr. Neeson’s resistance to Kimmy’s travel plans lead to a predictable scene where he explains that he is more “aware” than others, because of his job working for the government, while Kimmy tells him he sounds paranoid, while telling him she always thought he was a ninja or a Jedi. He rather unconvincingly tells her he’s just a civil servant, explaining that Jedi aren’t allowed to have children, and the US government hasn’t employed ninjas since the 1950’s. Who’s paranoid now, Kimmy?

I’ll try not to give too much away, except to say that I immediately knew the first kidnapper who approaches Kimmy and her friend was a bad guy, though I initially called him a terrorist. At least he wasn’t French, it turns out. When the kidnappers show up, Kimmy tries to hide in the only room guaranteed to echo as she talks to daddy on the phone—the bathroom. I thought even she would figure this out. Good thing daddy does instead.

When Liam traces his way to the apartment where they were abducted (the one in the preview, of course) he busts out some high story exploits, edging his way along ledges from one apartment to another, no doubt because French locks are notoriously hard to pick. Of course, if you don’t use your ninja skills, you lose them. And chicks dig guys with skills….not that he’s secretly a ninja or anything.

Anyone who enjoys disliking the French will get their opportunity. I enjoyed how Liam Neeson impersonates a corrupt French cop while speaking English the entire time, yet still fools the Albanians. He also manages to find the Albanian he’s looking for by asking about ten of them to translate something, when that particular guy answers the question and gives himself away. What are the odds of that--one in ten? I also enjoyed how nearly everyone in this movie drives an Audi, including Neeson, (probably the most egregious product placement I can remember) yet he does the most damage while driving what appeared to be a Jeep Cherokee. I and the people of Detroit appreciate Hollywood throwing us a bone. I barely minded the auction where spoiled jailbait who don’t do their chores go for hundreds of thousands of dollars, since the ultra wealthy probably look for different things when they stock their harems than we do. I had a little problem with Liam trying to outsprint an Audi, then driving against traffic to the other side of a river, when he probably could have swum across it just as easily. This wouldn’t happen if Audi made an amphibious car, I guess.

Despite my objections , I enjoyed this movie. As implausible as parts of this movie were, by action movie standards they weren’t drastically unrealistic. 12 Rounds looks like it could be geometrically more outlandish. I never fell asleep, so I never had to wonder what I’d missed, or what was going on. That’s saying something, because usually action scenes get me worse than rohypnal. I hit the canvas like an epileptic gazing into a strobe light. Of course, it could’ve been fumes from that NEX cologne keeping me up after all.



*Armani Code. I recommend getting free samples, NOT buying a bottle. It smells like a ripoff of whichever Burberry smells marginally different than Axe Kilo. If you like this stuff, I recommend you buy Axe Kilo and save yourself 30-50 bucks.